


A Burden

by thanku4urlove



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: (the self harm is extremely minor and not intended as harm but it is mentioned), Anxiety, Conversations, Flashbacks, Gen, Gen Work, Handholding, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:23:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25642753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanku4urlove/pseuds/thanku4urlove
Summary: Soonyoung didn't know how Seungcheol had come to be in the practice room by himself. Soonyoung couldn't even remember what it was he'd come back here to retrieve, what item he'd left behind; all thought was driven from his mind at the sight of Seungcheol crouched on the floor, his eyes wide and unfocused, his mouth open, breathing so hard and so fast that Soonyoung was sure Seungcheol was one shallow breath away from passing out.Soonyoung finds Seungcheol in the middle of a panic attack, and has no idea what to do. He says he's going to go find help, but then Seungcheol begs him not to leave.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups & Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi
Kudos: 104





	A Burden

**Author's Note:**

> tfw you also have anxiety and are devastatingly in love with seungcheol

Soonyoung wasn't a stranger to anxiety. He had his own share of worries and problems, his own moments that ranged from gentle nervousness to raw panic. But even if he hadn't, the events of the past couple of years in the industry had led to multiple dreadful company-wide meetings about anxiety, depression, and asking for help. They'd had seminars about it. Therapists had come to talk to them. Truth be told, Soonyoung felt pretty informed about the whole concept. So, despite never actually having witnessed a panic attack before, he was pretty sure that right now, Seungcheol was in the middle of one. 

Soonyoung didn't know how Seungcheol had come to be in the practice room by himself. He didn't think their leader had been the last member out of the room--weren't Junhui and Wonwoo supposed to be the ones cleaning?--but that question didn’t matter, not right now. Soonyoung couldn’t even remember what it was he’d come back into the room to retrieve, what item it was he'd left behind; all thought was driven from his mind at the sight of Seungcheol crouched on the floor, his eyes wide and unfocused, his mouth open, breathing so hard and so fast that Soonyoung was sure Seungcheol was one shallow breath away from passing out. 

Soonyoung knew that Seungcheol had anxiety. He knew that Seungcheol got nervous about things, sometimes without cause, sometimes in ways that Soonyoung thought was irrational. But irrational or inexplicable wasn't out of the ordinary for them, wasn't something that couldn't be understood and accepted, and it was a behavior that fell somewhere between Junhui's insuppressible need to imitate anything he found funny and Jeonghan's habit of carrying around plastic spoons, categorized as not quite normal, but okay enough. The way Seungcheol looked right now, though, was not okay. 

"Coups?" Soonyoung asked hesitantly, taking a step forward. He wanted to think of himself as someone that would jump into action, that would do everything he could to help, and while that was what he desperately wanted to do now, the sight of this was scary, so scary, and he was terrified of misstepping and doing something--doing  _ anything _ \--that would make the situation even marginally worse than it already was. 

Seungcheol didn’t hear him. He didn’t seem to notice that Soonyoung was there at all, but when Soonyoung reached out and put a hand on his shoulder he looked up, the movement quick. His eyes were wet with unshed tears, his face damp with sweat, staring at Soonyoung like he was a lifeline, and Soonyoung felt frozen. 

"I..." Soonyoung didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he was  _ supposed _ to do. "I'll go--I'll go get help, I'll get someone that--someone that knows, knows that to do, and--" 

"Don't." The word was a choked wheeze. It sounded like Seungcheol was dying. "Don't go. Please." 

Soonyoung's tongue felt stuck in his throat. "Okay." 

Most of Seungcheol's words were genuine, but it was at rare times that Seungcheol didn't also have a bit of a front on. Around the entire group he would still whine, would still pout and giggle and act cute, but he was poised, too; he was still their fearless general leader, still the oldest of all of them, still someone with set shoulders and a strong face. It was only around those his own age, or around Soonyoung himself and Jihoon that those walls would slip, would come down just a bit. Seungcheol liked to hide behind that persona, liked to act secure around anyone younger than him, and despite being a unit leader right next to him, it had taken months after debut for Soonyoung to see any sign of weakness from Seungcheol. 

He hadn't even been the one to notice it. He'd thought things were going fine--they were tired, and they were busy, but their second release was being received well and Soonyoung was happy about it--when Minghao had stepped up to Soonyoung and pulled him aside. They'd just finished practicing a modification for their choreography, new opening and ending sequences that they were ready to perform in two days on their next music show appearance, and Soonyoung's knees ached from jumping. They'd stayed up all night, all of them hanging on each other to return to their dorm, trying to get into bed before the sun rose. Minghao's face held no traces of exhaustion though, all nerves instead, and Soonyoung frowned.

"Are you okay?" 

"I saw something earlier, and... I thought I could tell you." His speech was a bit clumsy, talking slowly, the way he would when he said something new, something he hadn't run by Junhui first. That was what first tipped Soonyoung off that this was serious; he was the first and only person to hear what Minghao was about to say. Soonyoung was pretty sure that still, to this day, he was the only person that Minghao had ever told.

"What happened? Is something wrong?"

"I don't know." Those words were honest. "I just... Yesterday, I saw S.Coups pull his hair ties and hit them against his wrist. He was doing it really hard. He didn't see me watching him. He did it until he made himself wince." 

It took a moment for what Minghao said to truly sink in. All of them knew that Seungcheol kept a couple of hair ties around one wrist or the other, and had done it since before the group debuted, but Soonyoung had always thought of it as cute. He'd always assumed they were for Jeonghan, because he would give them away if Jeonghan needed one, if Jeonghan's own hair tie broke, or if Jeonghan’s hair had been styled down and they were on their way back home and he couldn't stand having his long hair in his face anymore. 

"He was just standing there like he couldn’t move, and he was breathing a little fast, and then he just... He started hurting himself." Minghao said softly. "I didn't want to ask him about it. But it... It scared me. So I wanted to tell you." 

"Okay." Soonyoung said, because he didn't know what else to say. He was glad that Minghao felt comfortable enough to confide in him, that Minghao saw him as a leader, but despite his leadership status, he didn't know what to do either. He hadn't ever thought of the hair ties as bad. But he noticed it once Minghao pointed it out, the way the skin around Seungcheol's wrist would sometimes be red, would sometimes look angry and irritated. Soonyoung was in the middle of trying to think of something to do, of some way to talk to Seungcheol, when Jeonghan caught him alone in the bathroom after a shower.

"Tell me what's bothering you." 

Soonyoung did. Jeonghan was quiet for a long moment. 

"I'll talk to him." He finally promised. "I'll ask him about it. He might not get too defensive about it, if it's me." 

Soonyoung couldn't put a finger on why he felt scared. The next week, the hair ties were gone from Seungcheol's wrists. Jeonghan had come to him to tell him that it wasn't as bad as it had seemed, that Seungcheol was doing something called a "grounding technique"; that supposedly, it helped him when he felt anxious. But Jeonghan had told Seungcheol that it was still self harm, and had asked him to stop, and Seungcheol had promised that he would. Seokmin carried hair ties for Jeonghan in his pockets instead.

"You have to--you have to breathe." Soonyoung told Seungcheol now, almost hating the way Seungcheol was clinging to his words. "It's okay. It's okay."

Seungcheol murmured something, something Soonyoung couldn’t make out. 

"What?"

"Count. Please." 

So Soonyoung did, and did it slowly, trying to contain the panic in his own chest, not knowing what number he was supposed to count to, hitting ten and continuing on without pause.

Soonyoung had caught wind of the fact that Seungcheol had panic attacks, but simply hearing the name, hearing the term, and actually seeing a panic attack in action were two completely different beasts. Somehow, he'd always missed it. He knew that Seungcheol had had them in front of Jeonghan or Joshua before. He knew that Jihoon had helped him through one, when it had happened in the studio with Bumzu. He knew that one had even happened in front of Vernon, once. 

On very rare occasions, Seungcheol would start getting fidgety when they were all together, pacing, his breath going quicker and quicker before completely excusing himself from the room, usually followed by a manager or by Hyerim. He would come back twenty minutes later, his eyes red-rimmed and his shoulders slumped, and Soonyoung didn't know what to think. Seungcheol would resolutely deny that anything was going on, but everyone noticed, and carrying on and pretending like nothing had happened felt wrong. At the same time they felt like they had to, so they did. 

Hyerim wouldn't answer him when Soonyoung asked if Seungcheol was okay, giving him vague reassurances instead, and saying that Seungcheol didn't want him to worry. The only time he'd gotten any form of an answer was from a manager.

"He just gets nervous sometimes." The man told him. "And sometimes the feeling just kind of... Fills up his body, so he has to go somewhere quiet to let his body work through the nerves. That's all."

That manager didn't work for them anymore. To Soonyoung, it had sounded almost like meditation, like Seungcheol was stepping out to clear his mind. He knew that wasn't what a panic attack actually was--that it had the words "panic" and "attack" in it--but still; the difference was almost horrifying. Soonyoung had to crouch down to reach Seungcheol, because Seungcheol was physically unable to stand up, because Seungcheol was physically unable to breathe, Soonyoung running his fingers through Seungcheol's hair like he'd seen Jeonghan do before and trying to think of some way to help, horror and anger churning in his chest at the idea that it had taken until last year for Seungcheol to get professional help for this, for this  _ thing _ happening to him. 

He realized then that Seungcheol was trying to breathe in time with his counting, and he slowed the numbers just a little bit more. Seungcheol was taking four beats to breathe in, one beat to hold the air, and four beats to breathe out. Soonyoung began counting in that pattern instead, hearing the air stutter in Seungcheol's chest. It was a relief when Seungcheol closed his mouth, but his nostrils flared, and his entire body was covered in a sheen of sweat. He had a couple of tears rolling down his cheeks, but they didn’t look like upset tears; they were more the tears gotten from a coughing fit, or some other kind of involuntary exertion. 

Physically, Seungcheol was big and strong, stable and swift. He didn't have a fragile shoulder or a bad back. He'd never seriously broken anything. His problems weren't visible, so in large part, to the people that should have cared, they didn't exist. Seungcheol ignoring and dismissing concerns definitely didn’t help either, making deniability easier for their management. Apparently, Jihoon and Bumzu had once gone to the CEO together behind Seungcheol’s back and voiced their worries; Soonyoung only knew that it happened because he'd come home one day and they had lavender scented soap in all of the bathrooms in their dorm. That was the only change management had seen it fit to make. Jihoon had been furious for a week over it.

Lavender, supposedly, had a calming effect. That was the excuse, anyway, that Jeonghan had given when he'd begun using lavender body lotion. And Seungcheol was so tense, so tense everywhere, Soonyoung running a hand down his back. 

"Try to relax." He suggested. 

"I am." 

Seungcheol just sat there, his eyes closed, his mouth closed, his body half in Soonyoung's lap. Then he hoisted himself up, leaning heavily against the mirrored wall. He looked exhausted. 

"Sorry." He finally managed out. His throat sounded raw. 

"I thought..." Seungcheol had gone to hospitals. He'd gone to therapists. He'd rested. His family had gotten him a therapy dog. He had medications that he could take, if he needed to. "I thought you were better." 

They were about to have a comeback, Seungcheol’s first real comeback since last year. Because of their inability to travel, activities for Fallin’ Flower had been minimal, but this Korean comeback was going to have everything; award shows, TV and radio appearances, fan meets--all of it. Seungcheol had been nothing but excited for it, so Soonyoung hadn’t even had it in his mind to worry until now. 

Seungcheol's eyes fell closed again, and his body looked so collapsed that Soonyoung thought, for a moment, that he might just fall asleep.

"This isn't something that goes away." He said. "I am better. It happens... Less. I can control it better. This one... I didn’t think it was going to hit so hard. Really, this... It hadn't happened in a while, I promise, so I didn't have it as under control as I thought." He opened his eyes, wiping at them, looking at Soonyoung. "I'm sorry." 

"Don't--don't apologize." Soonyoung felt a sting of tears in his eyes. "You don't have to apologize for, for..." 

"But I scared you." 

"That's okay!" Soonyoung exclaimed. Seungcheol winced, and Soonyoung brought his voice down. "It's okay. I... I want to help you."

Soonyoung didn’t want to cry. He felt like he didn’t deserve to cry, not when Seungcheol was the one that was so upset and so exhausted. He thought he might not really have a say in it though, and that he might start crying anyway. 

"I know, but..." Seungcheol let out a breath. His voice was wavering, watery. "I'm not supposed to. I'm not supposed to be a burden."

A burden. The words sat heavy in Soonyoung's stomach. He understood that feeling, the feeling that he was weighing the group down instead of lifting them up. It was one of the worst feelings in the world.

"It's okay to be some level of burden on others, though." He said after a moment. "It's better... It's better than holding up on your own and then just breaking, you know? Less heavy. There's thirteen of us, Seungcheol. We could carry you around if you needed us to; leaning on us every once in a while is okay. Even on Dino. He's got the strongest thighs, you know." 

Seungcheol's head rolled to the side to glance at Soonyoung, and there was something very close to amusement there. Something that could be amusement, if everything didn't feel so heavy. 

"I'm serious." Soonyoung told him. "Mingyu can piggyback four of us; you can rest your head on his shoulder. Jihoon can bench-press Wonwoo; he can give you a hug."

"Jihoon doesn't want to give me a hug."

"Jihoon doesn't want to give  _ me _ a hug." Soonyoung corrected. "He'll hug you." 

Seungcheol did actually smile at that. 

"I just... I don't want them to look at me differently." He finally said. "I need them to look up to me. I need them to depend on me. I need them to feel like... Like I’m someone that can hold them up. It can’t be the other way around." 

“It can go both ways.” Soonyoung insisted. He didn’t know if it was denial or fear, but when Seungcheol didn’t answer, he spoke again. “There is nothing in the world that you could do that would make us think you're weak, Cheol." 

Seungcheol ran his hands through his hair as he took in another breath, letting one of the hands fall on his thigh, palm up. Soonyoung slipped his fingers between Seungcheol's own, giving his hand a squeeze. That, somehow, was the thing that got a laugh. They sat there for a moment, and Soonyoung could feel Seungcheol's pulse at the junction where their fingers were slotted together, strong and steady. 

"Weren't Junnie and Wonwoo supposed to clean this place?" He asked, after the silence had stretched a little too long. It felt like that silence at a sleepover, the last one, the one that felt like talking wouldn’t start up again, and it was actually time to sleep. Speaking felt too loud, felt wrong, Soonyoung lowering his voice automatically.

"I... Yeah. I sent them away when I realized that I wasn't calming down." Seungcheol admitted, sounding sheepish, and Soonyoung let his head turn in Seungcheol's direction.

"The two of us will do it, then." Soonyoung told him, getting to his feet, pulling Seungcheol with him. Seungcheol looked absolutely exhausted. "We'll be done quickly, okay?" 

"Okay." Seungcheol's voice was quiet. "Thanks." 

Soonyoung looked over. Seungcheol was smiling, and Soonyoung smiled back. 

"Don't thank me too much." He said. "You sent away the cleaning staff, so you get to do the vacuuming." 

"Hey!" The teasing was good; it felt like a breath of fresh air, and Seungcheol gave his hand a squeeze before letting it go. Soonyoung made sure to squeeze back. 


End file.
